THE BABY BIBLE
Parenthood is a club, which, to the uninitiated, remains shrouded in mystery. And it is kept this way for good reason. Unknowingly, a secret oath of silence is sworn by every parent before the placenta even hits the deck. ‘Tell not of the stress that prevails, lest the childless run screaming for the hills and their clocks stop ticking.’
Around 134 million babies emerge into this world every year – screaming, blue and covered in gunk. That’s 255 a minute, or 4 every second. Or to put it another way, around 637 in the time it takes to make a cup of tea, depending of course on how expensive your kettle was and whether you are watching it boil.
In turn, these 134 million babies also generate 268 million new parents each year, give or take a few to account for those whose egg kept dividing. That’s a hell of a lot of people trying to figure out which end is up in the middle of the night, how much milk should be going in and what the hell was that that just came out.
Now, I’m no doctor, midwife or even a shrink. I’ve never trained in child care and I’m certainly not Supernanny. I do however havenearly9 years in the business. 20 months growing, 22 hours ejecting, 25 months lactating and countless hours put in with those 1000′s of stinky nappies, endless meal time battles, tantrums, tears & trauma. I also have stretch marks to prove it.
Knowing what to expect, what to do and how to survive the baby ordeal can be sometimes be enough to give you brain freeze. Realising that there are other people also wading knee deep through piles of sh*t, covered in vomit and without a working brain cell between them can really help. So can knowing when it’s time to put down the blender, step away from thesteriliser and sooth those erratic hormones with a nice family sized block of Dairy Milk and a litre of Häagen-Dazs.