There’s no such place as perfection

Lots of people heading over to live from the UK want to know, what’s life in Perth really like? Is it all blue skies, suntan cream and sandy beaches? Is it better than the UK in every way? Is everyone as ‘happy as Bruce’ and do the kangaroos all smile and wave you on your way as you speed off to work your 5 hour day?

In a word, and a very short one at that, NO.

Despite popular misconception, it does get cold here as well – Perth has long winters with not much sun and a lot of rain. Just like the UK, everyone isn’t happy all of the time, and kangaroos don’t really smile. I’d say if anything they smirk.

Some people, understandably, given how many burning hoops they have to leap through to get a visa, want to believe that Perth is the answer to all problems on earth – and the very opposite of evil old England. Yes, without a doubt it’s a lovely place to live and the lifestyle is so laid back that many have trouble getting upright again. But like every country it’s far from perfect.

Houses are still expensive and the cost of living high. Jobs are often hard to come by, and the working hours and commutes long. Older kids are often tempted by the huge drug scene on offer. Gang crime, knife crime and gun crime still fills up the news. Politicians still fail to deliver and continue to talk out of their backsides… So Perth may be many things to many people, but if you’ve built it up in your mind to be ‘perfection’,  then you might just be shocked to find it’s not the answer to all of your prayers.

Those migrants fresh from the plane and still marveling at the vastness of the sky, the millions of stars on view at night and the wide open beaches will tell you that ‘Perth is as good as it gets’. And that, I think can be very misleading to those trying to decide whether to make the move over. Firstly because the reality of life overseas (once the initial excitement has worn off, whether that takes a week, a month or ever a year) can sometimes be very different to what people expect, and secondly peoples idea of ‘as good as it gets’ can vary greatly.

Many people move over from the UK for a better lifestyle and a house in the sun, a chance to escape a country that is spinning out of control. But despite this, a massive 40% of those who move over from the UK still decide to go back again. That’s an awful lot of people making an extremely costly and difficult decision to return – a decision no one would ever take lightly, or do without good reason. Moving your life around the world is a big enough upheaval in the first place, moving back and starting again is an even bigger one.

Everyone has their own different reasons for not wanting to stay. Some find the distance from friends and family too great. Some feel too cut off from the rest of the world. Some realise that problems faced in the UK are also faced over here. Perhaps some just didn’t want to spend their weekends surfing, hiking, fishing, camping and drinking beer around a BBQ. Or maybe once they’d had a year of cooking sausages in Kings Park, eating fish & chips at Hillarys and trying to spot animals at Perth Zoo the novelty of it all simply wore off. Who knows, maybe the reality of life here simply never lived up to the hype.

So if you’re leaving England and heading south in search of perfection, then it might be wise to really get the lay of the land before your feet touch down on the dusty ground. This way you cut then risk of being surprised, disappointed or disillusioned  by what you find. Because if you arrive ready to start your new life Down Under with your eyes wide open, then you will probably love it all and never look back.

To quickly go back to the original question of what’s it like to live in Perth, here’s my answer:

Today I got woken up early by the radio. It was grey, wet and cold outside and the drone of irritating DJ’s put me back to sleep – until the dog barked millimetres away from my ear. I dragged two children from their beds and fed them breakfast. I made my own breakfast and then watched it conceal into concrete as I hunted for last nights homework sheet. I stepped on the dogs tail as he rushed past me to the backdoor. It was still pouring with rain, so as the school bell went in the distance I threw the kids into the car.

I returned from the school run, cleared up breakfast, emptied the dishwasher, put on the washing machine, swept half the garden off the kitchen floor. I then rounded up my son, his water cup and potty and headed out to the supermarket. We navigated the aisles with a renegade trolley while I fed him pancakes to keep him quiet and contained. I loaded the car, filled up with petrol and unloaded the car – all in the rain.

Next came lunch, as requested by my son. I watched him push it around his plate for so long that I gave up, ate it myself and then cleared up. He got all his toys out just to see what would take his fancy – we played with Lego, blocks and trains. The school bell sounded, so we set off with the dog in tow. We ran to the park so the dog could wear himself out while we all stood under a tree in the downpour. I supervised homework, cleared up the house, cooked dinner for the kids and remembered the washing in the machine from this morning. I shoved it all in the tumble drier as it was still raining.

Fed both kids their dinner – felt my blood pressure rise. Cleared up the mess. Supervised their bath time – felt my blood pressure rise further. Overcame a toddler meltdown when Tellytubbies said ‘Goodbye’. Shoehorned two kids into bed and then cleared up the house. Again. Started dinner. Again. Husband arrived home. We both collapsed in front of TV – exhausted. The dog barked at next doors cat and woke me up at 1am. I lay there staring at the clock and waiting to go back to sleep again. I started to panic when I couldn’t fall asleep. Then I suddenly remembered I’d forgotten to turn the tumble drier on. I went to sleep convinced I could already smell the washing going mouldy.

I got woken up early by the radio….

Point made? Living in Perth is like living in many other countries around the world – 5% sunshine and light, 95% reality of your day-to-day life. So whether you choose to live at the top of the world or down here at the bottom, your bills will still mount up and your funds sometimes run low, your children will still squabble, bicker and sulk, and the contents of your ironing basket will still have doubled in size everytime you walk past.

That, as they say, is life.

Who’s afraid of the big bad spider

One of the things that I think most people worry about when coming to live here is whether they are going to come face to foot with an 8 legged killing machine the moment they set foot on Aussie soil.

First off, to determine whether you can actually handle living in a country with some of the world’s most deadly spiders, answer the following question.

If you answered B or C then you will do just fine. If you answered A, then you are without a shadow of a doubt a fully fledged arachnophobic, and would do best to give this country a wide berth.

So what is fact and what is over hyped fiction about Perth’s 8 legged lovelies and are they really as scary as their reputation suggests?

Fact. There are some species of spiders here that do have a deadly nip about them, some that can cause flesh to rot and some that could probably induce a heart attack if you should ever come face to face with one when climbing out of the shower.

Fiction. It is highly unlikely that you will often come into contact with such spiders and even less likely that you will be charged down by such a man eating monster, with fangs at the ready and a body the size of a small elephant, as you wander through the shopping malls and quiet streets of suburbia.

The most ‘infamous’ of all spiders here in WA is the ‘Red back‘, with a body no bigger than a 5p coin and its distinctive red stripe on the females back (the male is back all over). The bite can apparently be nasty, excruciating if the female in question happens to be pregnant. That can be understood and forgiven, pregnancy can bring out the worst in anything.

While they are deadly, these spiders seldom venture inside the house, preferring dark, damp places like sheds, garages or piles of logs. An antidote is available from pharmacies should you be bitten and more reassuringly still, there hasn’t been a death since 1953.

The other spider in question, and probably the one that worries me more is the ‘White-tail‘ , a small spider with a cigar-shaped body and a white tip. They have a very painful bite and their venom can literally rot away your flesh if not treated in time. Babies and old people are more at risk, but once again, an antidote is readily available and while they do sometimes venture indoors, they will not actively hunt you down to attack. Leave them alone and they won’t bother you.

If you are wondering “But how will I know if one has bitten me?”, then I think it can safely be said that you WILL know. The pain level is meant to be up there with childbirth (so a male doctor claimed). So I don’t think a bite would be something you would overlook until it’s too late and all of the meat on your leg left has fallen off the bone. If in doubt, take yourself off to the pharmacy/doctor/hospital and tell them something with 8 legs bit you.

The ‘Wolf‘ and the ‘Huntsman‘ spiders are not dangerous, except if you are prone to high blood pressure and panic attacks. The Huntsman in particular can grow up to the size of a small child’s hand. While I would certainly never want one around the house, they are in fact great for having about as they eat red backs and other annoying insects. Personally I think I would prefer to invest in some bug spray rather than have a house guest that is big and hairy enough to require it’s own set of towels and a face flannel.

A few years ago a Huntsman spider actually caused a pile up on the freeway in Perth. When a woman lowered her sun visor to block the sun in her eyes and had one fall out and land on her, she understandably freaked out, lost control of her car and crashed. – Note to self, must tap my visor several times before getting in the car.

So yes, these spiders that you have heard about are out there, but more often than not they are out of sight and out of mind. Unless you live out in the bush or in a more rural setting, you will rarely see anything that might cause you any grievous bodily harm. The same goes for the snakes.

It is actually the mere idea of these spiders that can be far more scarier than the reality.

When you first arrive you tell yourself that you will check under every toilet seat and sofa cushion and never put on a shoe without beating it half to death against a wall.

After a bit however you start to relax and eventually get to a stage where you merely study the web briefly (a red back’s web is very ‘messy’) before you hang out the washing next to it, shake your gardening gloves before putting them on and occasionally wash your hair with one eye open, should that watching spider suddenly take it upon itself to jump under the water with you and start loofahing down with your exfoliating shower gel.

Of course I know they are out there. That much is evident by the large number of webs that appear daily around our garden. One web out by our drive stretched out a good metre and a half between 2 trees. It looked just about strong enough to ensnare next door’s cat. Wishful thinking on my part, bloody thing mercilessly teases the dog, makes him bark and gives me a headache.

Now I know for a fact that this particular spider is fairly hefty in size, as it went through a stage of base jumping out of the tree every night and using my car wing mirror as a landing point. When returning home one night I caught the spider in the headlights ‘mid jump’ and was forced to crawl across the car and out of the passenger door to avoid a face to face meeting.

On the upside, these webs that drape my window and door frames like old fashioned net curtains, make brilliant fly and insect catchers. After spending a Spring in Perth I have quickly learned to make firm friends with any creature that includes ‘fly’ in it’s diet.

Just one more interesting spidery fact.

The most poisonous spider of all in WA is actually one that we have in our houses all the time, swinging from the coving and light fittings and never causing us a moments alarm. The ‘Daddy Long-Legs’ (similar to a UK version but with no wings) is, believe it or not, the most venomous of all. But with fangs too blunt to pierce through human skin it is rendered completely harmless.

Just as well really, otherwise I would have to make more of an effort with the dusting, something that I seldom ever find the time to do.