How to make money disappear

The world is recovering from a credit crunch, UK debt has hit £801billion, unemployment is up and morale is down. So what do the Royal Society deem to be a wise and worthwhile invention to benefit from their generous grant of £100,00? Why an invisibility cloak of course. How very useful.

Professor Ulf Leonhardt – a Harry Potter mad scientist from St Andrews University – has successfully proved that if you have a stupid enough idea and ask a stupid enough person for money, then eventually someone will throw a bundle in your direction.

On a mission to make magic happen, ‘Professor Dumbledore’ now plans on spending all of the money and the next 2 years proving he can manipulate light waves to make himself disappear.

Surely £100,00 could be put to better use somewhere else? I don’t know, say perhaps to buy a piece of life saving equipment for any one of the badly equipped hospitals around the country. Or perhaps a set of dictionaries for the nations young, to show them how to spell L8tr.

If such a whimsical idea by a magic mad scientist is to be funded into reality, why would anyone possibly want to help create something, that if it landed in the wrong hands, would make the lives of perverts, thieves and terrorists so much easier? All the CCTV footage in the world wouldn’t really help much when trying to catch the Invisible Man as he makes off with a swag bag of jewels, or the contents of the Royal Mint.

And as for what any number of extremists could do with a little gem like this. Imagine a whole army of gun welding nutters, all charging down Oxford Street in broad daylight, swathed in their invisibility cloaks and intent on raising merry hell. Even Harry and his little wand couldn’t help out then.

Sounds a little far fetched you might say? About as far fetched as someone who wants to actually create a wizards cloak to make themselves disappear? Or a prestigious society who’s happy to throw money into a top hat just to see what appears – or in this case, disappears.

Of course the absurdity of this study pales into insignificance next to the chemist from Vienna, who dedicated 4 years of his life to solving one of the ‘great mysteries of human biology’ – why men produce more bellybutton fluff than women. Why on earth are some of the world’s cleverest people wasting their brain cells on such studies, when they could be putting their intelligence to far greater use. Like finding cures for 101 diseases, solving world peace and curing world hunger.

Or simply inventing a chocolate bar that’s not only fat free and calorie free, but also lowers cholesterol, fights off Swine flu and helps you lose weight. Now that would be money well spent.

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